A Parent's Prospective

By Aaron Grossman, Babyboomers.tv Staff Writer

It can happen in many ways; your daughter’s boyfriend pulls you aside and asks for your daughter’s hand in marriage; your son asks you to help him find a source for selecting an engagement ring; your kid calls you from a Hawaiian vacation with her boyfriend and excitedly shouts “We’re engaged”; or, your son gets down on one knee in front of the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center and proposes to his girlfriend while you’re watching it on “The Today Show.”

There are thousands of ways in which parents learn that the moment has come. For those of us with adult children, ecstatic to realize our pride and joy is going to walk down the aisle, the journey has just begun.

In 1890, the U.S. Census started keeping records of the age of brides and grooms at their first marriage. It’s been rising for decades to a median age now of almost 26 for women and almost 28 for men.

Median age at first marriage: U.S. Census Bureau

So, chances are that if you’re still in the afterglow of celebrating the engagement news, let’s remember that we’re talking about an adult child in his or her 20s or even 30s. Your kids have likely been on their own for some time, usually working and living on their own or completing an education.

The wedding planning journey will be handled as a team effort with adult participants. The paradigm of Mommy and Daddy planning their 18-year-old darling’s wedding with the groom’s family on a “need-to-know” basis has been smashed. We ought to know that baby boomers tore those walls down years ago.

First steps: Set a budget and a guest list count

You’ll need to establish who’s contributing to the funding of the wedding. It may be both the bride and groom’s side. It may just the bride’s parents, or it may be the bride and groom themselves. At the end of the day, it’s better to start out with a firm grasp on what’s feasible financially.

The wedding planning experience is going to be an emotional roller coaster ride. Prepare to budget it as you can afford it. And build in an extra cushion of 10 to 15 percent… that way the inevitable surprise costs won’t bite you in the behind.

Part and parcel of the budget planning is setting up a rough count of how many guests will attend. I warn you — this can be emotional. You may just have to pass over a distant relative for the bottom-line number.

Obviously, there are three lists: bride and groom’s list, bride’s parents and groom’s parents. However, in today’s “new family” realities, there can be several sets of parents on both sides due to divorce, remarriage, same-sex parents, and so on. This can explode the guest list count and, at the same time, offer additional sources of revenue for the budget.

For both budgeting and guest list planning, the Internet will provide tremendous benefits to novice planners. Most wedding sites offer advice and cost parameters. They even localize the cost estimates for different cities and regions.

Next step: What kind of wedding?

I think it’s fair to say that if you haven’t been to all types of weddings (yet), you’ve heard, read or clicked on news of how vastly different today’s options are. From a traditional wedding in a house of worship or catering hall to a destination wedding to a wedding on a beach in white linen clothing, there are many choices. Boomers, let the bride and groom decide!

They may already be living in a locale far away from you and decide they want to have the wedding in their adopted new home. Or, they may decide they want a non-traditional wedding in a museum or some other grand venue. Work with them to make it happen.

Two examples:

• A cousin’s child is a respected physician working in the San Francisco Bay area and got engaged to a fellow in the wine business out there. Both are originally from New York, but they decided they wanted to get married on a Napa Valley ranch.Her father groused for a bit about how the entire family would have to fly across country and why couldn’t they come back east and have the wedding here. Who won the battle? No contest! The guests flew out to Napa and it was one of the Top 10 weddings on my list!
• A close friend has a son who, along with his fiancée, really did not want to have their wedding in a typical venue like a catering hall or restaurant or country club.They discovered that the Brooklyn Museum can be booked for weddings and other affairs, and they fell in love with the place.Planning such a party is not for the faint of heart — you have to hire a caterer and make sure they coordinate every detail with the venue. Same with the band, florist, photographer, decorator and other key services. Ostensibly, you become the general contractor of an extremely detailed proceeding.The time and effort can certainly pay off. The couple was married in a cupola surrounding by Rodin sculptures, and the reception was in the museum’s grand rotunda with Picasso, Monet and de Kooning peeking over the guests’ shoulders.

Final major step: Who’s in charge?

Trust me when I tell you this one is a biggie and may determine the tone of the new family’s relations for years to come.

This kind of enterprise needs a leader, co-leaders, or a very well-coordinated team of peers. And keep in mind that we’re all adults, right? Your very accomplished son or daughter is entitled to use the black lab and the golden retriever as ring bearers. After all, the bride and groom met in a dog park.

Meddlesome future in-laws are also entitled to their opinions, as long as they know that there’s a designated driver at the wheel. Anybody see “Meet the Parents” or “Meet the Fokkers”?

Make the call early and reinforce the chain of command often. In our case, it was our daughter getting married, and both my wife and daughter assumed leadership roles. That’s not to say that the rest of us were relegated to the bleachers; but mother and daughter basically did most of the legwork. The groom, his parents and I were brought in for reactions and confirmation.

And, I’m happy to report that we are a very congenial set of in-laws 1½ years into the marriage.

OK, so four major decisions have been made: budget, guest list, type of wedding and identification of the Chief Planning Officer(s). Prepare yourself for a whirlwind. But do yourself a favor first: Surf the web for favorite wedding planning web sites. There is a wealth of information and tips that will be both time-saving and cost-saving as well.

Your checklist

1. Choose a date. Don’t be afraid of off-season times of the year — caterers offer discounted prices and out-of-town travelers will appreciate it, too. Send out “save the date” announcements, if desired.
   (See why the guest list must be done up front?)
2. Choose a wedding planner, if desired.
3. Choose a venue.
4. Notify and/or hire the clergy or judge presiding over the wedding.
5. Choose a DJ or band. In our case, it was easy: The band who could sound great in Brooklyn Museum’s 150-year-old rotunda was going to sound even better in our venue.
6. Choose a florist.
7. Don’t be afraid to mix it up. My daughter married in early January and the florist created magic with both flowers and lots of candles.
8. Choose a photographer and videographer, if desired. These days, most all photography is digital; however, you will find wedding photographers offering different choices as to how you access and keep your proofs, post-wedding. Some still maintain strict control over the proofs with no access to a digital file, but most allow you and your guests to view all proofs on their web site, and the guests can purchase “proof-quality” photos a la carte directly from the photographer. Alternatively, enlist a friend or family member to photograph the affair. The photos they shoot can be assembled in sensational, professional-quality albums from photo web sites these days, including Kodak Gallery, Snapfish, iPhoto, and others.
9. Organize the bridal registry. The Internet is a “must” for this activity, preempting all previous methods of setting up a registry. Most brides and grooms choose several retail sites for both casual and formal gift choices.
10. Choose bridal gowns and haberdashery.
11. Prepare invitations and note cards.
12. Select gifts for the wedding party, including maid of honor, bridesmaids, ushers, flower children, ring bearer, etc.
13. Religious artifacts, if necessary. Consult your clergy, catering facility or your favorite wedding planning web site.
14. Bridal shower
15. Bachelor and bachelorette party
16. Book hotel and see to transportation arrangements for out-of-town guests. I, father of the bride, assumed this role with relish — it was something I was actually good at!
17. Submit announcement of the blessed event to your local newspaper of choice.
18. Rehearsal dinner. Again, someone’s home or a venue? Traditionally, this is hosted by the groom’s family and is usually just for the wedding party and out-of-town guests; however, anything goes today. Often, the rehearsal dinner can be a key highlight of the wedding weekend. It’s the first time everyone is together. It’s much more casual than the wedding, and the groom’s family tends to be in charge of the toasts. In some Southern cities, like New Orleans, the rehearsal dinner is of equal importance to the wedding.

The big day

Ladies usually start early for their beautification process.

Dads usually go to the bank for the night’s payouts; many tips are dispensed so bring lots of cash.

A good catering hall or a very well-organized Chief Planning Officer will have brought last-minute items to the venue: grooming aids, change-of-clothing, and a pouch to collect wedding gifts of currency.

Take a deep breath, walk down the aisle and marvel at the out-of-body experience that it is.

The reception

Dads: Don’t “wing it” for your toast to the happy couple. Words matter, and you don’t get a chance very often to stand up in front of everyone who means something to you to proclaim your blessing over a union of such importance.

Moms: You are the most important women after the bride. Own your beaming countenance — you are as beautiful as you feel at this singular moment.

All: Party, party, party!

Getting people home

Be responsible about potential DUI incidents: Prepare ahead of time with phone numbers of cab companies, limousines and/or public transportation. Anyone can come back the next day for a car left behind.

The morning after
Some families have a brunch the day after the wedding, typically hosted by the bride’s family at their home or at a venue. Again, anything goes these days as to ownership of the affair.

It is a chance to bask in the love of the room one last time and say good bye to your out-of-town guests.

Final thoughts

Your son’s or daughter’s wedding really is a day you’ll remember forever. The video and the photo proofs will arrive soon and you’ll re-live it all over again. Enjoy the ride. It’s a rare moment when everything and everyone is in perfect order.

Notably, for our generation, we’ve hosted and have been attending weddings of the children of lifelong friends whose weddings we all went to back in the day. Life comes full cycle. It’s a very satisfying feeling.

Very last thought: It’s ALL about the bride!